Nothing Short of a Miracle

Narcotics, alcohol, cigarettes and food could not deaden the pain of this Beverly Hills teacher.
In a few short weeks, the guidance of the Be Totally Free! process freed him of all his crutches,
and helped him to begin his journey of self-acceptance.

I was born the youngest and only boy, with three older sisters. Both of my parents are alcoholics and have been for as long as I can remember. Growing up was extremely difficult for me. As a child, I was forced to deal with tremendously frightful situations that were simply too much for me to handle. My father was a successful attorney who traveled frequently, and my mother was often locked in her room, too drunk to take care of me. My three older sisters were often away from the house, so I was usually left alone with no one to talk to.

When I was about ten years old, I heard that my grandfather had shot himself. The news of this paralyzed me with fear. That same year, the oldest of my three sisters attempted suicide on Christmas Eve. These events made my fear even more unbearable. Needless to say, it was a short matter of time before I discovered many ways to escape this intense fear.

My first escape was fantasy. I used to fantasize that I was someone famous when I was a child. Later in my childhood, I used aggression. I became known to some in the neighborhood as the “bad child.” I would often become physically aggressive, prone to sudden outbursts of anger with my close friends. Next came food and sex. I became chubby, and loved to eat food. Some people told me I was fat. As a teenager, I joined sports I didn’t enjoy just to stay in shape. I continually used food, sex, and pornography to combat the loneliness that I felt.

My biggest escape came through smoking, drugs and alcohol. I only felt OK around others if I had a cigarette in my hand. Eventually, I couldn’t do anything without smoking. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol at age 15 (I am now 34). Drinking and drugs made me feel equal to others. When I was in my last year of high school, I received a congressional appointment to attend West Point Academy. I was sure I would fail even though I wanted so much to do it. My addictions were so strong that I knew I would not be able to quit them and would eventually be kicked out of West Point if I attended. This is just one of many examples where the addictions and low self-esteem kept me back and controlled my life.

My drug and alcohol abuse increased in direct proportion to my escalating fears about life. When I was about 17 years old I discovered Vicodin, and added it to my already heavy drinking. Immediately, I knew I was going to have to seek that drug out whenever I could, because it made me feel exactly how I wanted to feel about life.

When I was 28, I discovered speed. Soon I was taking speed and staying up for days at a time. Once, I stayed up for 10 days! My body was trembling from exhaustion. After a year of taking speed and Vicodin every day, I found myself homeless. By that time, two landlords had filed civil claims against me for passing on rent, and I had lost my teaching job of 5 years. By Christmas of 1994, I was living in a homeless shelter. I had lost the respect of everyone in my life.

After the shelter, I moved into a recovery home. I cooked breakfast for the residents every morning to pay my rent at this home. I was glad to be off of the speed, but as a result, I gained 50 pounds, and was smoking more than ever. Immediately after moving out of the recovery home, I was back to using Vicodin again. I could only ever concentrate on overcoming one addiction at a time, but to do so I always had to have others lined up to replace it! It was a constant merry-go-round, with no end in sight.

Experiencing that homelessness didn’t scare me into sobriety, though, and so I tried therapy and started taking antidepressants. Soon, I was taking antidepressants and Vicodin! I had to stop seeing the therapist in order to pay for the Vicodin. I tried Alcoholics Anonymous, Pills Anonymous, and Narcotics Anonymous (all unsuccessfully) to stop the abuse. Most of the time, I was afraid of the people in these programs. I had trouble believing that they really cared. In all, I tried 12-step sobriety 7 times, but I always started drinking again (or substituting with drugs) only a short time after attending meetings.

When I became a teacher at a prominent Beverly Hills school several years ago, I switched from daily alcohol consumption to daily pain killer (Vicodin) consumption. I found doctors who would prescribe them to me on a regular basis. There seemed to be no end to the amount of Vicodin that was available to me. Sadly, even several of my students seemed to be hooked on Vicodin. By the time I was 28, my intake of Vicodin had reached shocking levels (50 to 100 tablets per day!!!) I cannot begin to tell how many pharmacies and doctors have banned me, how many bad checks I wrote, how much money I spent, and how much life I missed out on due to my use of Vicodin.

About this time, I met my current wife of three years. I married her mostly out of fear; I told myself that marrying her would make my life OK. I tried to hide all of these addictions from her, but she would always find my Vicodin. This caused many unhappy moments in our home, to say the least! I always borrowed or stole money from her. I always lied to her. Toward the end, I could feel myself moving closer and closer to becoming violent with her. One night, I almost hit her. (Today, I am amazed that I could ever have treated myself or another person like that!

Feeling frustrated and defeated, last year I decided to try once again to start tapering off of the Vicodin. During this process of tapering off, my wife told me about an interesting interview she heard on the radio while driving to work one day. She learned about Be Totally Free! and their website (www.betotallyfree.com) and said that it sounded like a real solution, but I dismissed it. She persisted, and just to appease her I visited the site. It seemed unusual to me, but very intriguing. It made me reflect on my life, and come to understand why I had so many failed attempts to get sober. I identified with the stories I read, and became hopeful that this could work for me, too, so I filled out the personal evaluation on the website.

After a phone screening with Tricia Greaves, I was given the opportunity to have an initial phone consultation with Roy Nelson. I remember how caring this man was during our first conversation. He said a lot of things that caught my interest, so I called him again a few days later. It was during the second conversation that things started to click. Talking with him helped me to recognize that I had been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. All the addictions I was juggling and suffering from were symptoms of a much deeper-lying problem that had always gone unadressed in every other form of treatment I had tried. His insights and counsel were so truthful and compassionate that I started writing everything he was saying on paper (I still have these papers today.) After a while, I was able to tell him anything without fear of being judged! What was unique about Roy is that he had not only felt the way that I had felt, but he had completely overcome it and had an amazing gift for showing me how to overcome it, also! This was a completely new experience.

Amazingly, after just a few phone conversations with Roy, I felt at ease about giving up Vicodin. And after only a week of these talks I stopped taking antidepressants. After two weeks, I stopped smoking—a habit I had been unable to quit for close to 20 years! Even the need for coffee left me! I instinctively knew I would have to give all of this up if I wanted to get better and the fact that it has been effortless is a miracle to me!

Roy provided the safety net I needed to deal with the problems underlying these obsessions and compulsions. He helped me to gain insight into and relief from the sexual anxiety, anxiety, fear, feelings of inferiority, and anger that I never knew how to effectively address before. I have become much more relaxed at work. I have stopped people-pleasing, and hating or fearing any of my coworkers. I have stopped looking for others to make me feel good. I got help in staying out of situations I didn’t want to be in. I have been able to take an honest look at my marriage, and my other relationships and decide and discuss if they are the best thing for me and for them (without feeling attachment or guilt). The process was not overnight for me, and it has not always been easy, but I can slowly feel myself getting healthier and happier each day! Frankly, I am amazed at the recovery I experienced in such a short time!

Today my life is free from addictions, something I never imagined possible, and my new friend has taught me how to live the responsible life that makes it possible to maintain that freedom. While it is an ongoing process of learning to live my new life, each day I can see my purpose growing and expanding. Life is exciting today, and I’ve learned a very valuable lesson: that I do not have to be afraid anymore!