“Nursing” Her Pain

This RN, in charge of a weight loss clinic, finally seeks a solution to her own struggle with food and alcohol and is finally set free

I was a person who excessively ate and drank for every reason possible: to celebrate, get out of a bad mood, clear my head, take away boredom, to relax, etc. I’d tell myself: “I know what healthy choices are, I’m a nurse, I’m educated, I run a medical weight loss clinic at a world-renowned hospital.” Nevertheless, I was making the wrong choices and I was MISERABLE!

I am the middle child of five and since I can remember, I wanted a perfect family. My father was a happy alcoholic. He would abstain from alcohol all week long (or so we thought) and let it rip on the weekends. When drunk, he would either talk endlessly or just say nothing at all. He never argued or fought, he would just tell stories, talk, or play my guitar. My mother would have the outbursts. I took it upon myself to make the family happy any way I could. I never felt like I fit in. I was different, but didn’t know why or how. I had lots of fear: fear that I wasn’t doing it right, that I would never be happy, that I couldn’t make my family “picture perfect” or that I wasn’t meant to be alive. Becoming a nurse wasn’t my idea, but fear of displeasing my parents was too strong and, after all, I liked taking care of others so that I didn’t have to think about myself. I got married young (another decision motivated by fear of displeasing my parents.) He was the perfect man, or so my parents thought. Deep inside I knew I was too young, but I was also too afraid to follow my heart.

Food was the glorious part of growing up. My happy memories are surrounded by my mother cooking or baking and my making sure there was enough cake batter for me to lick or enough of whatever for me to eat. That’s probably why Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday! I knew on Thanksgiving I could eat as much as I wanted and no one would care. I had no idea as a child that the food was covering my sadness; I just knew it tasted good. I wore “chubby” size clothes (I guess the folks that developed that label size thought they were doing the world a favor by helping shoppers know exactly what clothes would fit their little cherub.) I can still hear the words beginning at the age of 12, “You will be on a diet, for the rest of your life.”

I married a chef who loved me big or small —an overeaters delight! So I’d gain and lose, gain and lose. I entered therapy soon after my marriage. That’s when I got the confirmation that I was truly the outcast of the family. My mother was totally embarrassed that I was seeking help and I wasn’t to tell anyone. My husband was confused and hurt; he wanted to be the one to save and rescue me and he felt he failed. I just wanted to find out why I couldn’t be happy.

Sex was a dilemma. When I was growing up, my mother was petrified that I would get pregnant. So, sex was a big “no – no”. When I would get aroused by my boyfriend, I only had to picture my mother saying she would have a heart attack if I got pregnant. That totally killed the mood! However, once I got married, I didn’t know how to turn that attitude off. I still saw sex as “bad.” Yet, I had the desire to be sensual and enjoy the act. But there was constant confusion. My husband was a workaholic and at times, I’d use the withholding of sex as a punishment. But other times, I just was afraid of it.

I was raised Catholic. I learned that God was a man, figure, being, that you prayed to for things but probably would not get because I spent most of my time not behaving. I was a very emotional child— would cry about anything. I would frequently hear “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.” Thus, I was often in trouble and, in my mind, not privy to God’s blessings. I was to be happy with what I had which was more than my parents had. I also learned that God didn’t like sex for enjoyment; it was only for those wanting to make babies. Sex was not to be spoken of. Whether you had it or not, it was not to be mentioned. If you talked about it, you were dirty or just less than good.

My marriage lasted 9.5 yrs. The divorce became official on my 10th wedding anniversary. It would have ended sooner, but I was afraid of what others might think if I left. I feared that if I stayed in the marriage, I’d end up a 300 pound alcoholic. I packed up my 4 and 7 year old and moved to the other side of the country. I chose a “geographical cure” for my unfulfilled life. The move was going to give me a chance to live my life. One slight problem, what was my life? Well, the move was going to give me the opportunity to figure it out.

Years of dieting, sabotaging relationships, therapy, personal growth seminars, hypnosis, prayer, OA, Al-Anon, and interventions that I’m sure I forgot about, were to follow. All of this, while in the pursuit of happiness! When I would get a glimpse of what I could be or do, the fear would overtake me and another excuse of why and how I would fail would be conjured up by my brain.

Everyone and everything was wrong in my life: I had the wrong job, wrong relationships, wrong way of raising my children, wrong family dynamics, wrong way of communicating, wrong living arrangements, wrong clothes, wrong amount of money, and the wrong God.

I slowly crept up the financial ladder of success, found a man that loved me, and felt that I and my children were going in the right direction. But still, I was not happy. I changed my religion and found spirituality, or so I thought. I lost weight and still couldn’t see why I wasn’t happy. I felt like I had become the person I was running from—the 300 pound alcoholic. I just didn’t have all of the weight and wasn’t stumbling home drunk, talking incessantly, or sitting in a quiet stupor.

I took a position as an RN in a weight loss clinic at a very prestigious hospital. I thought with my life experience, I could help others lose weight. I didn't fit in at first. I was given the job to run the clinic and soon my pride and ego were being served quite handsomely. Then something very disturbing started to happen. I began to gain weight. This was traumatic; the weight management nurse is gaining weight! Panic and fear began to strike. I reacted by buying bigger scrubs so no one would notice. In 2.5 years, I gained 20 pounds and had no idea how I would shed them.

I got the call regarding Be Totally Free! from a woman who wanted to let me know there was a program for patients’ who were helpless/hopeless. I encountered them daily. I agreed to have Tricia come and talk to us. I will forever be grateful for that call. The moment I met Tricia, I knew she was there for me. Yet I was so afraid…I’m the nurse, I take care of folks, I know it all, I can’t admit that I’m hopeless……but wait, I am.

I remember meeting Roy and knowing somehow my prayers were being answered. Somehow, in all of my confused messed up thoughts and prayers, I had sent out a few good ones and it was time for the dream and hope to manifest. After my first meeting, I lost the need to fight with food and alcohol. There was another outlet and it was clearly Roy’s love and wisdom. The weight began to drop, the urge for the glass of Merlot faded, and the love began to sprout in its place. It was so comforting and peaceful when I began to work with Roy. When I would give him a hug, I would feel a heart to heart connection. I could visualize love from his heart to mine and vice versa. I still do. Once I recognized this pure love, man oh man, that fear reared its ugly head in full force. I always wanted to be loved unconditionally, but when I actually received this gift, I wanted to run! However, this time, I knew it was fear and that to turn away would surely mean a life of unhappiness. I was fortunate enough to have had enough heartache and misery in my life to know, this was a blessed opportunity. I have had many days when I’d feel like I’d rather hold onto a hundred stinging bees instead of letting the pain go and letting in the love. I had created a life filled with conflama (short for confusion and drama) in order to run away from the person and thing I feared the most in all lif…me and GOD.

With Roy’s help, I’ve come to understand what I can have in life. I know I have feelings that hurt but will not kill me, but food/alcohol will. I can now have a career that brings me joy. I can have an abundance of health and wealth. I have the ability to make healthy choices. I can Be Totally Free!

If you are reading this, you do not have to convince yourself that you aren’t as bad as me or that you are worse. What you can do is convince yourself you are worth the love it will take to be like me and become totally free.