He Found His Way Out

Self-conscious and introverted, this man sought to overcome his problems with food, drugs, and business success. His crutches nearly cost him his life.

I grew up in a middle class household in a middle class neighborhood. My dad was seldom home in the evening. My mother couldn’t wait for me and my three siblings to go to bed so she could relax and watch TV. I spent most of my childhood feeling afraid of everything. I was a fat kid and didn’t seem to fit in. I played soccer, and liked to bowl. Soccer was too much work so I gave it up for bowling. Then I found out that there were too many rules and I couldn’t keep this side of the foul line. So I eventually gave it up. I then played softball and baseball and did well. I was still fat and very insecure. Kids would pick on me often and I soon found out that when I did well and hit the ball the kids did not pick on me. I remember one time crying to my mother that all the kids were making fun of me because of my weight. She offered to put me in another elementary school. I declined because I somehow knew that wasn’t the answer.

Many times during elementary and junior high school I humiliated myself. On one occasion, I was so angry with a classmate that I challenged him to a fight. When we met after school he was afraid and everyone egged me on to hit him. I couldn’t do it. Then the kids made fun of me. In junior high school it was even worse. I was even more afraid. There were so many new kids from different schools to interact with. I played trombone in band. I did well but still felt so insecure. Many times I had to play a solo. I could have done so much better if I wasn’t so self-centered—“what were they thinking of me?” One time I was not required to participate in a group practice and could leave to practice on my own. I was so sure everyone was judging me, thinking “you fat slob.” While leaving, I tripped on a chair, fell and dented my trombone. I felt so humiliated. The worst part was having to come back into the room after humiliating myself.

I bought a mini-bike and later a motorcycle. I could ride it well and many people liked me then. In 8th grade I joined the football team. I had never played and wanted to try. Prior to the start of the season many of the kids asked if I had ever played. I was so sure they didn’t want me to. I was fat and couldn’t seem to fit in.

My family moved to another part of the country were the kids were even meaner and I was even more afraid. There was no one thing that happened that was so bad. I just let little errors in judgment take me down. I was so afraid of everything and everyone and I didn’t do anything to stand these fears down. I started to ride ten speed bikes. I felt some relief because I could ride for miles. I went everywhere. During these rides I was able to get away from the fear for a little while.

During high school I was introduced to diet pills. For the first time in my life I was able to lose weight. I was so excited! I hooked up with a girlfriend and I felt like I could finally fit in. I got my driver’s license and a truck. I went everywhere. People finally liked me because I had a little money and transportation. I felt better because I felt more normal and accepted. Girls were attracted to me, I did well at work and got even more acceptance there. During the summer between 10th and 11th grade I went out after work every night. I drank and smoked pot after work and after I dropped off my girlfriend. I gained more acceptance from what I perceived was the lower class….the dopers, the people without normal homes with moms and dads, the people who lived in trailer parks, etc.

During 11th and 12th grade I did well in school. I had a girlfriend, got good grades, and felt like I fit in. I was still so afraid but could mask it with the recognition I got from school and my girlfriend.

After graduation I tried to go to college. I decided on a degree plan based on earning the most money for the least amount of work. I wanted some opportunity for advancement. I chose a four-year nursing program. I couldn’t see going through 10 years of schooling to become a doctor but I wanted to leave the door open.

During my first year in college, my relationship with my high school sweetheart was ending. After many days and nights of self-pity and loneliness, I came to a point where death seemed the only way left to gain her attention. I thought about slicing my arms and lying in my blood. Another time I fell asleep with a loaded gun in my hand. I couldn’t pull the trigger so I thought it might go off while I was sleeping. So many times I wanted to run my motorcycle into a wall. I needed some relief from the pain that I felt but had no idea how to handle.

All this time I was gaining all the weight I had lost. In addition, I got back into drugs and alcohol. For the next several years there wasn’t a day that would pass that I wasn’t high or drunk. I moved back north and got a place with my two brothers and two friends. I could drink, and mostly drug all the time. I was able to control my weight, was doing well at work and was getting some attention from the girls. But I still felt so alone. I was the odd ball in the group. Everyone else could talk to the girls and I was sure that this was because I was the fat kid. I tried to hide my insecurity by acting like nothing bothered me. This caused more problems. Most of the time people just thought I was a jerk.

I started college again to try to meet girls and to do something different. I could handle school for a while but it got harder because I was more afraid and needed to smoke pot more often. I needed pot everyday. I would treat school like a job. When 5 o’clock came, I would punch out, so to speak, and get high, regardless of how much homework I had to do. Pot also helped me to control my weight.

My pattern was to get thin, get a girlfriend, make some money, then humiliate myself in some way, gain weight again, lose the girl and feel miserable all over again.

After one of these cycles, I was introduced to the man who helps people through a process called Metasteps. I felt so relieved. I finally found someone I could talk to, who understood how I felt. I no longer felt so different and alone. Unfortunately, I still believed my only problem was that I wasn’t able to talk to girls and get a relationship. I did not realize that my problems went much deeper. So what I was primarily looking for from him was to gain the self-confidence I needed to speak to women.

After spending 3 months taking the help I was offered for granted, and not being willing to examine the root causes of the unbelievable pain and loneliness that plagued me, I decided that I didn’t need this help, and could now do it my way again. He had helped me to lose weight during this time and I felt more confident with the new knowledge I had learned. I was sure I could manage things without any more help.

After a short period of time on my own, however, I was overeating, drinking, and smoking pot again. I had gained more weight than I had ever before. I hooked up with another girlfriend. At first this provided some immediate relief. But it turned out to be when the worst pain really started. I spent my savings, was losing money in my business, and living off of credit cards. I was so afraid and couldn’t talk to people. I was nervous with groups and in conversations with individuals. I was gaining weight and losing more and more money. It got harder and harder to gain my girlfriend’s approval and I was losing more and more money. Death didn’t seem like an option. So I gained more weight and lost more money.

I drifted farther away from the help and support of Be Totally Free!. I found a job in a new field that seemed quite impressive. I was working hard to earn some money and try to get out of debt. For the next several years I made more money than I ever had before. The more my bank account grew, the more my ego grew. I started to lose weight and was paying off my bills. Then I got another job with a greater amount of responsibility and prestige. Many nights I laid in bed looking at my business card, in awe of my accomplishment. My ego got bigger and bigger with the more money I made. After one year of working 80 hours a week at that job, and needing some relief from the stress, I started a different position. This time, I had just as much responsibility, with only half of the stress. I thought I could now relax. I was thin, physically fit, had plenty of money in the bank, and it was no longer hard to get girlfriends. But I still felt alone and unsatisfied with my life. So many nights while driving home I felt such a strong need for relief from the stress I felt, which I now realize had nothing to do with my job. I thought a hit of pot would do it. What was really so painful was the loneliness. I so much wanted to be with someone. (I needed relief from me so bad that I forgot what these fixes had done to me before!)

So I found another girlfriend but never got too close to her. I knew I couldn’t stay with her long. I couldn’t let her know that I felt like a loser.

After we broke up I started to smoke pot again. I spent more and more time hiding out in my apartment smoking pot and working. I made some money in the stock market (this was another rush.) This led to crack cocaine. I had tried it before and knew it would ultimately kill me financially and physically. For several weeks, I made more and more investments and smoked more and more cocaine. I knew I needed to stop and kept thinking, “just one more night.” Besides, I had the money and no one would know.

The end came after two weeks of doing crack cocaine continuously. I spent about $3,000 on cocaine during that time. The last three nights I didn’t go to sleep and smoked about $1,000 worth. I felt so bad and wanted to smoke it all so that I could finally stop. I figured my heart would explode and I would die.

The next morning I called Roy Nelson who had introduced me to a way out several years before. I asked him to help me. He did not hesitate for a minute to make himself available to me for as much time as I needed and wanted every day. Thanks to him I was able to stop the drugs and stay stopped. The biggest thing he did was give me unconditional love and be my friend. I realized I had to talk to him about everything. I could no longer be an island, chasing money and sex as a solution to the pain. Even though I had grown and changed on the outside I was still that afraid boy on the inside.

I am so glad that I didn’t have to lose everything another time. And I have now learned how to enjoy the friendship of others, and how to be a friend. I am so much more relaxed than I ever have been. I’m not running away from myself, looking for the next fix. And I finally know in my heart that I am not a loser. In fact, thanks to Be Totally Free! I am actually a winner!